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There’s a growing problem in our country's living rooms, our sports bars, and our university’s common rooms. The problem is soccer. To me, watching soccer is an inane activity about which only a Spanish speaker could sound excited (I know you’ve all seen that Simpsons episode), yet there are those who would betray our nation’s true pastime (football, let’s leave baseball out of this) for this game of 1-0 scores and vastly incomprehensible offsides rules. In this animated tirade I intend to persuade all you crazed American soccer fans that American football is the game worth watching on your televisions and in the bleachers.

The crux of the issue comes down to one thing: excitement. When you’re watching a football game, a score could come at any time, and when it comes it will be beautiful. It’s not just the scores that are exciting either. The structure of a football game is set up so that exciting players can make great plays. This past weekend the Dallas Cowboys lined up for a routine play, and the ball was snapped over Tony Romo’s head. My friends and I were shouting for him to fall on it, taking a 20 yard loss, but Romo picked it up and ran 35 yards back to get a first down setting up a 15 yard touchdown run to end the half.

Most soccer games on the other hand see one or two scores a game, and only a few more exciting plays, mostly by goalies or other players who stop a score. One of my all time favorite television shows, Sports Night, has great fun with this concept with one character suggesting “a modest proposal, make the nets bigger.” On further consultation he agrees that it might be equally helpful to have smaller nets with no goalie. The point is that a soccer game is boring because the scoring potential in most games does not exceed three goals.

You might say that soccer is the better game because it’s players show better athleticism than football players. This is only true to a certain extent. Soccer players have better endurance since they run almost non-stop for the entire game, but there’s more than one reason that few people watch marathons on TV. It’s not just because they’re long. It’s also because a display of physical endurance is not nearly as visually impressive as a display of speed, agility, or strength, all of which is better demonstrated in a game of good old American football. It may be more awe-inspiring on paper for a soccer player to play a whole game and outplay his opponent in overtime, but it’s more visually impressive to see Reggie Bush zip past defenders who are much larger than him or to see Vince Young’s huge frame juking much smaller and quicker-looking defenders en route to a spectacular, clinching touchdown.

This brings us to another advantage of the American sport, physicality. The contact in soccer is intentionally limited, so while a player head butting another player might get him thrown out in a soccer game, the worst a football player could get for that is a fifteen yard penalty. Just ask Roy Williams. The only strength exhibited in soccer is leg strength, while a football player’s whole body is put to the test on a daily basis.

Now you might say that soccer is non-stop action, while football is littered with interminable breaks and stoppages. What you call interminable stoppages I call bathroom breaks. When are you supposed relieve yourself during a soccer game, halftime? I can’t wait that long. With football you get a break after every drive to use the bathroom or go get more food from the kitchen. Besides, though soccer is basically non-stop for a half at a time, it’s not a particularly exciting time to whole time. It’s really only exciting when the announcer yells, “goal!!!!” With football, every play is a chance for something amazing to happen, and between each play we can rest our minds and our spirits for the next exciting play.

It’s inevitable also that soccer fans will claim one thing. My brother claims it all the time, though it’s not true. They’ll say something along the lines of you don’t like soccer because you don’t understand it. The only thing I don’t understand are the silly offsides rules. At least hockey has a blue line, but that’s neither here nor there. I understand the kickoffs, when there’s a corner kick, when there’s a goal kick, and all that other stuff. I lived in the suburbs. I played soccer, and that’s just it. Soccer is a great game for kids to play, because it wards off childhood obesity by running kids until they puke, but for grown men it's almost demeaning. It’s like telling a thirty year-old to play jacks or preschool computer games. And as demeaning as it is for a grown man to play soccer, it’s even more demeaning for rational Americans to watch it, especially when there are games like football and basketball right there on TV for you to watch. It’s just a crime, and I will not stand for it. The MLS must fall and we will send this sport back to Europe and South America where it belongs.

As Americans we deserve a sport that can humor our short attention spans and give us the most entertainment value per time we’re actually watching. If the Europeans want to be patient, let them watch soccer. If they admire an athlete for his endurance more than his speed or sport-specific skills, then they should have their own sports to watch.