Creative Writing

Carbunkle · **Joined:** Jun 2008 **Posts:** 137 **Location:**

Hey, just thought id ask some of you a question ^^ Im doing a small creative writing project, and would like some of your opinions please

I know my literacy sucks but what id like to know is does it grip you? make you want to read on? Any replies greatly appreciated

first paragraph:

Quote:

The deep orange glow of a roaring fire lit up the deck. The Pegasus flying ships steam engine was at full flow, its only inhabitant began to stir, having fallen asleep some hours earlier. His gloved hand swept the sandy colored hair from his eyes, and stood up wondering how long he had slept. Looking up toward the sky, his steely grey eyes reflected the stars of the night, the shadowy clouds slowly passing by. He turned briskly, his long black travelers cloak billowing behind him, his boar skin boots clunking loudly.

ShizKnight · **Joined:** Mar 2006 **Posts:** 3104 **Location:** _______

Carbunkle wrote:

Hey, just thought id ask some of you a question ^^ Im doing a small creative writing project, and would like some of your opinions please

I know my literacy sucks but what id like to know is does it grip you? make you want to read on? Any replies greatly appreciated

first paragraph:

Quote:

The deep orange glow of a roaring fire lit up the deck. The Pegasus flying ships steam engine was at full flow, its only inhabitant began to stir, having fallen asleep some hours earlier. His gloved hand swept the sandy colored hair from his eyes, and stood up wondering how long he had slept. Looking up toward the sky, his steely grey eyes reflected the stars of the night, the shadowy clouds slowly passing by. He turned briskly, his long black travelers cloak billowing behind him, his boar skin boots clunking loudly.

You have some grammatical errors, but it's decent.

PuppetOfGaea · **Posted:** Tue Aug 12, 2008 1:03 am

Sounds too forced in my opinion. I'd go with less description, more similes/metaphors. Whenever you want to paint a picture in someone's mind, you want to touch on key points, not add as many descriptive adjectives as possible. For instance, instead of saying "The lightbulb had bright, round, glowing effect..." you can say "The lightbulb glowed like the sun.".

crazyskwrls · **Joined:** Aug 2007 **Posts:** 2293 **Location:**

yes it is a bit too descriptive could do with a few less adj but it is good a intro

dom · **Posted:** Tue Aug 12, 2008 1:42 am

The deep orange glow of a roaring fire^lit up the deck.
The ^ I put in makes it read weird. I would reorder the sentence so it sounds differently.

my take: A deep and rich orange ambiance was cast aboard the deck; fueled by an ever sweltering inferno.

The Pegasus flying ships steam engine was at full flow, its only inhabitant began to stir, having fallen asleep some hours earlier.

I don't understand what the red means. Is Pegasus a flying-ship, or is Pegasus Flying Ship the name of the craft? What is engine flow? They stirred?

my take: The Pegasus, an old tugboat and veritable relic of the fleet, had her boiler combustion chambers at full capacity as she traversed the strait.

His gloved hand swept the sandy colored hair from his eyes, and stood up wondering how long he had slept.

It may be because English isn't my first language, but sometimes it seems that some sentences are too simplistic. The red sounds weird, and the following sounds plain.

my take: Her captain awoke as the blistering heat began to take it's toll. With the reflection of the fire in his eyes, he promptly dismissed the sweat on his forehead with the rear of his hand.

Looking up toward the sky, his steely grey eyes reflected the stars of the night, the shadowy clouds slowly passing by. He turned briskly, his long black travelers cloak billowing behind him, his boar skin boots clunking loudly.

That's the best written part of the whole paragraph. It doesn't really need change, but the starting could use a change to make its style fit in with the rest of the section.

my take: The captain lifted his head, gazing at the dim stars of a passed night and the shadowy clouds of the looming morning. Slowly, he made his way to the ship's bridge, with his long black travelers cloak billowing behind him and his boar skin boots clunking loudly.

Hope that helped. Sorry for the "my takes", but I couldn't resist. I love writing too.

Quote:

A deep and rich orange ambiance was cast aboard the deck; fueled by an ever sweltering inferno. The Pegasus, an old tugboat and veritable relic of the fleet, had her boilers' combustion chambers at full capacity as she traversed the strait. Her captain awoke as the blistering heat began to take its toll on the rest of the crew.

With the reflection of the fire in his eyes, he promptly dismissed the sweat on his forehead with the rear of his hand. The captain lifted his head, gazing at the dim stars of a passed night and the shadowy clouds of the looming morning. Slowly, he made his way to the ship's bridge, with his long black travelers cloak billowing behind him and his boar skin boots clunking loudly.

crazyskwrls · **Joined:** Aug 2007 **Posts:** 2293 **Location:**

dom can u write my college essays for me :roll:

plzzzzzzzzzz....

i gotta webcammmee :wink:

Doron · **Posted:** Tue Aug 12, 2008 7:45 am

wow....

dom can write...

awesome.

Carbunkle, I suggest you take a looky at story threads, such as The Chronicles Of SRO (somehwere in the back of GD I guess now) and The Banned Play Ons, somewhere in the OTL.

Snoopy · **Posted:** Tue Aug 12, 2008 8:01 am

dom wrote:

The deep orange glow of a roaring fire^lit up the deck.
The ^ I put in makes it read weird. I would reorder the sentence so it sounds differently.

my take: A deep and rich orange ambiance was cast aboard the deck; fueled by an ever sweltering inferno.

The Pegasus flying ships steam engine was at full flow, its only inhabitant began to stir, having fallen asleep some hours earlier.

I don't understand what the red means. Is Pegasus a flying-ship, or is Pegasus Flying Ship the name of the craft? What is engine flow? They stirred?

my take: The Pegasus, an old tugboat and veritable relic of the fleet, had her boiler combustion chambers at full capacity as she traversed the strait.

His gloved hand swept the sandy colored hair from his eyes, and stood up wondering how long he had slept.

It may be because English isn't my first language, but sometimes it seems that some sentences are too simplistic. The red sounds weird, and the following sounds plain.

my take: Her captain awoke as the blistering heat began to take it's toll. With the reflection of the fire in his eyes, he promptly dismissed the sweat on his forehead with the rear of his hand.

Looking up toward the sky, his steely grey eyes reflected the stars of the night, the shadowy clouds slowly passing by. He turned briskly, his long black travelers cloak billowing behind him, his boar skin boots clunking loudly.

That's the best written part of the whole paragraph. It doesn't really need change, but the starting could use a change to make its style fit in with the rest of the section.

my take: The captain lifted his head, gazing at the dim stars of a passed night and the shadowy clouds of the looming morning. Slowly, he made his way to the ship's bridge, with his long black travelers cloak billowing behind him and his boar skin boots clunking loudly.

Hope that helped. Sorry for the "my takes", but I couldn't resist. I love writing too.

Quote:

A deep and rich orange ambiance was cast aboard the deck; fueled by an ever sweltering inferno. The Pegasus, an old tugboat and veritable relic of the fleet, had her boilers' combustion chambers at full capacity as she traversed the strait. Her captain awoke as the blistering heat began to take its toll on the rest of the crew.

With the reflection of the fire in his eyes, he promptly dismissed the sweat on his forehead with the rear of his hand. The captain lifted his head, gazing at the dim stars of a passed night and the shadowy clouds of the looming morning. Slowly, he made his way to the ship's bridge, with his long black travelers cloak billowing behind him and his boar skin boots clunking loudly.

Write my Persuasive English Speech please. =]

Priam · **Posted:** Tue Aug 12, 2008 8:07 am

Dom, you showoff

Carbucle reminds me of 'Karbonkel', and that's a major source of nightmares for young futch children.

I hate him!

CloudStrider · **Joined:** Jul 2008 **Posts:** 2125 **Location:** Away

dom wrote:

The deep orange glow of a roaring fire^lit up the deck.
The ^ I put in makes it read weird. I would reorder the sentence so it sounds differently.

my take: A deep and rich orange ambiance was cast aboard the deck; fueled by an ever sweltering inferno.

The Pegasus flying ships steam engine was at full flow, its only inhabitant began to stir, having fallen asleep some hours earlier.

I don't understand what the red means. Is Pegasus a flying-ship, or is Pegasus Flying Ship the name of the craft? What is engine flow? They stirred?

my take: The Pegasus, an old tugboat and veritable relic of the fleet, had her boiler combustion chambers at full capacity as she traversed the strait.

His gloved hand swept the sandy colored hair from his eyes, and stood up wondering how long he had slept.

It may be because English isn't my first language, but sometimes it seems that some sentences are too simplistic. The red sounds weird, and the following sounds plain.

my take: Her captain awoke as the blistering heat began to take it's toll. With the reflection of the fire in his eyes, he promptly dismissed the sweat on his forehead with the rear of his hand.

Looking up toward the sky, his steely grey eyes reflected the stars of the night, the shadowy clouds slowly passing by. He turned briskly, his long black travelers cloak billowing behind him, his boar skin boots clunking loudly.

That's the best written part of the whole paragraph. It doesn't really need change, but the starting could use a change to make its style fit in with the rest of the section.

my take: The captain lifted his head, gazing at the dim stars of a passed night and the shadowy clouds of the looming morning. Slowly, he made his way to the ship's bridge, with his long black travelers cloak billowing behind him and his boar skin boots clunking loudly.

Hope that helped. Sorry for the "my takes", but I couldn't resist. I love writing too.

Quote:

A deep and rich orange ambiance was cast aboard the deck; fueled by an ever sweltering inferno. The Pegasus, an old tugboat and veritable relic of the fleet, had her boilers' combustion chambers at full capacity as she traversed the strait. Her captain awoke as the blistering heat began to take its toll on the rest of the crew.

With the reflection of the fire in his eyes, he promptly dismissed the sweat on his forehead with the rear of his hand. The captain lifted his head, gazing at the dim stars of a passed night and the shadowy clouds of the looming morning. Slowly, he made his way to the ship's bridge, with his long black travelers cloak billowing behind him and his boar skin boots clunking loudly.

I'd hit your writting.

Doron · **Posted:** Tue Aug 12, 2008 8:20 am

CloudStrider wrote:

I'd hit your writting.

like slap it or like tap it?

CloudStrider · **Joined:** Jul 2008 **Posts:** 2125 **Location:** Away

Icealya wrote:

CloudStrider wrote:

I'd hit your writting.

like slap it or like tap it?

Tap it

Fap it

Make Love to it

Sex it

Shag it

Fark it

Take your pick.

Snoopy · **Posted:** Tue Aug 12, 2008 9:07 am

CloudStrider wrote:

Icealya wrote:

CloudStrider wrote:

I'd hit your writting.

like slap it or like tap it?

Tap it

Fap it

Make Love to it

Sex it

Shag it

Fark it

Take your pick.

All of the above?

Carbunkle · **Joined:** Jun 2008 **Posts:** 137 **Location:**

dom wrote:

The deep orange glow of a roaring fire^lit up the deck.
The ^ I put in makes it read weird. I would reorder the sentence so it sounds differently.

my take: A deep and rich orange ambiance was cast aboard the deck; fueled by an ever sweltering inferno.

The Pegasus flying ships steam engine was at full flow, its only inhabitant began to stir, having fallen asleep some hours earlier.

I don't understand what the red means. Is Pegasus a flying-ship, or is Pegasus Flying Ship the name of the craft? What is engine flow? They stirred?

my take: The Pegasus, an old tugboat and veritable relic of the fleet, had her boiler combustion chambers at full capacity as she traversed the strait.

His gloved hand swept the sandy colored hair from his eyes, and stood up wondering how long he had slept.

It may be because English isn't my first language, but sometimes it seems that some sentences are too simplistic. The red sounds weird, and the following sounds plain.

my take: Her captain awoke as the blistering heat began to take it's toll. With the reflection of the fire in his eyes, he promptly dismissed the sweat on his forehead with the rear of his hand.

Looking up toward the sky, his steely grey eyes reflected the stars of the night, the shadowy clouds slowly passing by. He turned briskly, his long black travelers cloak billowing behind him, his boar skin boots clunking loudly.

That's the best written part of the whole paragraph. It doesn't really need change, but the starting could use a change to make its style fit in with the rest of the section.

my take: The captain lifted his head, gazing at the dim stars of a passed night and the shadowy clouds of the looming morning. Slowly, he made his way to the ship's bridge, with his long black travelers cloak billowing behind him and his boar skin boots clunking loudly.

Hope that helped. Sorry for the "my takes", but I couldn't resist. I love writing too.

Quote:

A deep and rich orange ambiance was cast aboard the deck; fueled by an ever sweltering inferno. The Pegasus, an old tugboat and veritable relic of the fleet, had her boilers' combustion chambers at full capacity as she traversed the strait. Her captain awoke as the blistering heat began to take its toll on the rest of the crew.

With the reflection of the fire in his eyes, he promptly dismissed the sweat on his forehead with the rear of his hand. The captain lifted his head, gazing at the dim stars of a passed night and the shadowy clouds of the looming morning. Slowly, he made his way to the ship's bridge, with his long black travelers cloak billowing behind him and his boar skin boots clunking loudly.

that was a really great help ^^ its great to see how another point of view would put it. I might steal some of your version

I'm extremely rusty on my grammar etc, its so hard 2 think of right things to say, while at the same time your trying to push a story in your head out. What about the actual content of it? sound good?

Carbunkle · **Joined:** Jun 2008 **Posts:** 137 **Location:**

Priam wrote:

Dom, you showoff

Carbucle reminds me of 'Karbonkel', and that's a major source of nightmares for young futch children.

I hate him!

Carbunkle is a gf (guardian force) in final fantasy 8 ^^

whiteraven · **Joined:** Aug 2007 **Posts:** 561 **Location:** dasfsss

Priam wrote:

Dom, you showoff

Carbucle reminds me of 'Karbonkel', and that's a major source of nightmares for young futch children.

I hate him!

damn still scared for karbonkel :o
karbonkel is horror for <10

Doron · **Posted:** Tue Aug 12, 2008 8:44 pm

whiteraven wrote:

Priam wrote:

Dom, you showoff

Carbucle reminds me of 'Karbonkel', and that's a major source of nightmares for young futch children.

I hate him!

damn still scared for karbonkel :o
karbonkel is horror for <10

That scary character from Het Land Van Ooit?

or from that telly show?

Priam · **Posted:** Wed Aug 13, 2008 8:37 am

Icealya wrote:

whiteraven wrote:

Priam wrote:

Dom, you showoff

Carbucle reminds me of 'Karbonkel', and that's a major source of nightmares for young futch children.

I hate him!

damn still scared for karbonkel :o
karbonkel is horror for <10

That scary character from Het Land Van Ooit?

or from that telly show?

From 'Ik mik loreland'.

They used to FORCE us to watch that @ junior, I had bloody nightmares of that fish.

Carbunkle · **Joined:** Jun 2008 **Posts:** 137 **Location:**

please keep o.t. >.>

Priam · **Posted:** Wed Aug 13, 2008 3:10 pm

But..... But...

CloudStrider · **Joined:** Jul 2008 **Posts:** 2125 **Location:** Away

Priam wrote:

But..... But...

Doron · **Posted:** Wed Aug 13, 2008 5:21 pm

ik mik loreland...

gawd, I loved that show.

Just like Het Land Van Ooit on the telly.. yet, after one week that damn Kloontje the five year old Giant was starting to get boring...

whiteraven · **Joined:** Aug 2007 **Posts:** 561 **Location:** dasfsss

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-JuZmJoKIw

damn he is scary for small children :O

CloudStrider · **Joined:** Jul 2008 **Posts:** 2125 **Location:** Away

whiteraven wrote:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-JuZmJoKIw

damn he is scary for small children :O

That is one ugly farker.

Priam · **Posted:** Thu Aug 14, 2008 11:37 am

CloudStrider wrote:

whiteraven wrote:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-JuZmJoKIw

damn he is scary for small children :O

That is one ugly farker.

He 's scray as hell.

whiteraven · **Joined:** Aug 2007 **Posts:** 561 **Location:** dasfsss

no nightmares

think i got over it :wink:

Doron · **Posted:** Fri Aug 15, 2008 10:22 pm

I loved the program..

now that I see it again... I'm thinking that I wasn't really smart when I was 7... but hey, ignorance is bliss and it was 10 years ago when I last saw it, so...

Silkroad Online Forums

Creative Writing

Who is online