Silkroad Online Forums

So, you guys probably don't know this about me, but I do Stand-up Comedy. I'm not famous yet, because I do it for fun, and for NOW it's just a hobby (although I hope to really go further with it soon). Anyway, I have some new bits that I need some opinions on, and since most of my friends are on vacation, I figured I'd let you guys read them and see what you think. Remember, this is all copyrighted by me, so please do not steal or post this stuff anywhere else.

Here are the bits:

So I just got out of an Asylum... Don't worry, I admitted myself. See, I keep watching and listening to George Bush, and hearing the things he says, I wait for the riots to start... but they never happen! I figure "man, I must be insane, how are there NO riots?!?" So, I admitted myself to an Asylum. When I got checked in, the first room they put me in was the community room. There were guys playing chess, a guy picking his nose, there was even a guy jerking off in the corner... I was like.. SCORE!!!! I found a place where I can jerk off in public! Then I look over to the TV and it's George Bush giving a speech. I froze up, listening to what SEEMED to be words coming out of his mouth. All of a sudden, one of the guys watching the TV started screaming! I stared at him for a minute... and then I smiled widely! THESE GUYS ARE THE NORMAL ONES!

So, if you haven't noticed by now, my face is verry... well... I LOOK LIKE A Farking BABY!Every girlfriend I have ever had always had that friend who just HAD to comment on my "baby face" (because you know she wouldn't do it unless we were in a huge fight). Then afterward I would ask my girlfriend of the time about it, and she'd be like "you don't have a baby face... perse...". SERIOUSLY, JUST TELL ME IF I LOOK LIKE A Farking BABY! IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE MY DIAPERS -FOR- ME, GO FOR IT! You know you look like a baby when your girlfriend initiates sex with "Who wants a diaper change?" And before you stick it in she says "Put the airplane in the hangar neeeeeeeerrrmmmmm."

I've always wanted to recieve an award for being the best at something. You know? I don't care what it is, as long as I get a trophy. Like, I would love to recieve an award for being "The guy who discovered that it was easier to train your dog by getting it drunk!" The trophy could have a dog puking while rolling over or something. My name engraved on it in bid bold letters. "The Dog Whiskeyer". Even more than recieving an award, I would love to have one named after me. The problem is the only award I can think of that I could be named after is an award given to the guy that's had his penis laughed at the most.


One time I wanted to spend some time with my girlfriend of the time, and so I called her up and asked if she’d like to do something. Apparently she had a haircut appointment, but invited me along. I figured hey, I could use a haircut, why not. Guys, if your girlfriend has nice hair, don’t EVER get your haircut at the same place as her… I got there and asked the lady at the counter how much it would cost, she was like “$50”. I was like “WHAT?!?!?”… $50 FOR A HAIRCUT!? You’re telling me you want $50 to take a trimmer across my head a few times, and blowdry it off. **** that… I’d rather have a homeless man cut my hair… He’d be cheap and he’d probably wash my car! But then I thought about it… they were charging this much for a man’s haircut… I mean if other men didn’t pay that much, you’d think they’d bring the price down… OOOOHHHHHH… they must add a little something “special” to the haircut. So as the lady was watching me make all these faces *makes faces*, I finally handed her $50 with a giant grin on my face. She led me over to a chair and I asked her “wait, aren’t you going to take me to a back room or something?”, she looked at me and said “No, I do it right here, don’t worry, I’m really good.” I was like hell yeah! My girlfriend was off in the side room letting her curls dry, and here I was about to get a haircut and a happy ending. *pause* Well, of course as you can all guess, my happy ending never came… no pun intended. From now on, Frank the Bum is cutting my hair…

You know what I miss? Those days when you were a kid, and you’d beg your mom to go to McDonalds. You didn’t care about the food, you just wanted that toy. I mean, you knew it was going to be a piece of crap, but it didn’t matter, you just wanted to be the kid with most toys so you could brag to all your friends. You know they need to do? They need to make complimentary toys for adults. And I don’t just mean for fast food, oh no, they need to give them to you everywhere. Can you imagine that? You go to the gym, “Here’s your complimentary paddleball“. You’re just on the bike going ** You’re at the DMV “Here’s a yoyo while you wait!” I’d be psyched to go to the DMV if they gave Yoyos! “By the way you’re your license is almost expired, you’re gonna need to go to the DMV, I’m sorry.” “I’M NOT! I GET A YOYO!!! I need to work on walking the dog!” *pause* You’re walking into prison, “Here’s your Furby sir.” Getting farked in the ass would be nothing compared to having to deal with a Furby for 10 years…

Before I started doing comedy, I worked in a cubicle. Yeah, that’s not fun. The only good part about working in an office is that you can get paid to go to the bathroom! You’re just sitting on the can “*ugh* That one was worth $5!”. You can’t exactly do that as a comedian. Can you just imagine that, I’m doing some big show, the curtains open, and I’m just sitting on a toilet right in the middle of the stage! “Sorry guys, I really had to go, and I couldn’t be late for work… Just don’t mind the noises, and the show should go great!”

I was standing in the grocery check out line, and this old lady started hitting on me. It was really weird. I was just thinking “Can’t this guy scan any faster!?” But then, a small part of me was like “Dude, you’re finally getting hit on at the grocery store!”

1st: made me laugh a little
2nd: Took me awhile to get the ending, then i giggled.
3rd: laughed more than the first one
4th: didn't laugh
5th: lost my attention
6th: didn't laugh
7th: ...

Also, just reading these, I don't even laugh at all... with stand-up, performance is EVERYTHING. That's where I shine. I also don't include side bits in this (ie the actions I do, or side comments I make).

Lol looks funny, you should record yourself

You should laugh a little on some jokes. Stand ups that just spew out punchlines with out twitching are boring. Just laugh a little but make sure a considerable amount of the audience laughs before you do, you dont wanna be standing up there laughing on your own.

You read that I wrong. I wasn't saying I don't laugh on stage. I was saying just read this text, I don't laugh.

I liked the second and third jokes quite a bit. The other ones had a tendency to make me cringe. I think the first might have potential, but the delivery seems bad.

Funny, funny. I read most of them, and I laughed. I thought 2 and 4 were especially funny.
& I know how delivery and body language is everything. I'm sure that it's even funnier given the right atmosphere in real life.

Post some more!

As you said, reading it differs alot from the actual act. Pretty good anyway.

Do it on Vent?