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A husband said to his wife, "Get your coat on love, it’s time to go to the pub."

"But you NEVER take me out," she replied.

"I’m not," said the husband, "but I’m turning the heating off before I go".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anyone could have.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way to Heaven.

God told them that the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and that on every 25th step he would tell them a joke.

He told them not to laugh at any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be able to enter heaven.

The brunette went first and started laughing on the 150th step, so she could not enter heaven.

The redhead went next and started laughing on the 350th step, so she could not enter heaven either.

Then, it was the blonde’s turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing hysterically.

"Why are you laughing?" God asked. "I didn’t even tell a joke."

"I know," the blonde replied. "I just got the first one."

Lol wow.

OffTopic: Have you recieved my pm?

Yes but i havent done it yet. Pm me your "favour"

thats a joke or someone actually say it in real life

edit: thanks for edit. guess its a joke

here's a story. the beginning is scary, the middle is funny, the last part is sad.

Now that's some funny chizz!

I laughed so hard...

I came.

Cats ARE Better

Dear Dog,

I am so sorry about you being sent to the dog pound for the broken lamp which you did not break; the fish you did not spill; and the carpet that you did not wet; or the wall that you did not dirty with red paint...

Things here at the house are calmer now, and just to show you that I have no hard feelings towards you, I am sending you a picture, so you will always remember me.

Best regards,
The Cat

Lol hahaha

ja ik ben zo triest

whiteraven, translation, there are people who are NOT from holland.

Btw, it's one of the worst jokes i've ever heard, already since the first time

LOL I get it its gibberish?

it's pretty much this:

bunny goes to baker

> got carrot cake?
< no
next day:
> got carrot cake?
< no
third day:
baker felt sad for the bunny...
> got carrot cake?
< yes!
> EWWW!

You know what the best part of having sex with twenty three year olds is?

There are twenty of them.

hahahaha

I lol'd.

I came

Since when did OTL become the wasteland for our terrible jokes?

Why does Beyonce sing to the left?

Because black people have no rights

That is a good one.
I'm so stealing and taking credits for that xD

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL, that's almost as good as my one

you know what the worst thing of all is about this joke??

The little kids asking for carrots at mcD's since we've got them for the happy meal...

it was better. but yours was better than that one gibberish one

Bad day...

A guy was listening to his kid say his nightly prayers.

The kid says, "Goodnight mommy, daddy, grandpa, and goodbye grandma."

The next day the grandma dies. The guy thinks this is really weird.

That night, the kid says "Good-
night mommy, daddy, and goodbye grandpa" The next day the grandpa dies.

The father thinks this is really weird. That night the kid says, "Goodnight mommy, and goodbye daddy."

The father freaks. He's thinking I'm gonna die. So the next day he goes to work really slowly and carefully, and is nice to everyone at work.

At the end of the day, he drives home really carefully and collapses into a chair.

He says," Honey, can you get me a cup of coffee? I've had a really bad day." She says "YOU'VE had a bad day! I found the mailman dead on the doorstep!"

Please keep all the jokes in English, so people from all over the world can laugh at them.


I loved the Mc Donalds version of that one. :3

How are they bad You guys are gay...

u'r gay

Fez time





i guess that wasn't OT but i thought he is a joke

So theres this donut that has always wanted to be a captain of a boat. So one day he decides to go to the docks and try to be a captain of one of the boats there.

So he asked a captain, can i be a captain of your boat? The captain said no. The donut then went home and slept that night and had a dream that he was a captain. The next day he went back to the docks and went to see the captain again.

So he asked a captain, can i be a captain of your boat? The captain said no. The donut then went home and slept that night and had a dream that he was a captain of a huge boat. The next day he went back to the docks and went to see the captain again.

So he asked a captain, can i be a captain of your boat? The captain said "No, if you come back back here again I'll kill you!". The donut then went home and slept that night and had a dream that he really was was a captain. The next day he went back to the docks and went to see the captain again.

He went up to the captain and asked him "Can i be a captain?". The captain yelled no and took a bite out of him and threw him out of the window.

^^I don't get it...

Ru, I hate you...

Even grown-up people are asking me that....