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Brothers,
Before you read about this incident on the internet, or in a magazine,
I'd like to tell you what REALLY happened regarding the physical assault on Dorian and his family, which transpired at a fitness expo held in the greater London area a very short time ago.
I was at the event with the family chauffeur and my training partner, Nobby, and a developmentally challenged bodybuilding chum named Marvin. The three of us wandered around the place, gawking at the booths, and on the lookout for my all-time hero, Dorian Yates. We saw a number of bodybuilding stars. Ernie Taylor was at the Pro-Lab booth, and Nobby lumbered over to him to shake his hand. Nobby, who stands around 6 foot tall and is nearly as thick, held out one of his shovel-sized, GH mutated hands, as thick as a deck of cards, to Ernie. With a look of fear in his eyes, Ernie took Nobby's hand, nervously stammering "H-hello...mate...'ows it goin?" before Nobby grabbed his hand, and began crushing it in a vice-like grip, snarling "Oi, let's see 'ow tough 'Mr fookin Britain' really is!". Marvin and I wrestled Nobby off of Ernie's hand, and Ernie collapsed, his hand crushed to a pulp!
Just then, Marvin seized my shoulder "IT"S DORIAN!!! LOOK THERE HE IS!!!" he declared. I spun round, and got the shock of my life. Dorian Yates had SHRUNK to what looked like 150 pounds! He was walking with his back to us down the aisle, and I couldn't see his face, but took Marvin's word for it that it was indeed Dorian Yates in the flesh! "Dorian!! YATES!!" I called out to him, following him along. "DORIAN YATES!!" I cried- but he just kept going, IGNORING me- his biggest fan....I stopped, and the skies darkened as I quivered in rage at the snub. Who did he think he was, for GOD'S SAKE?! Ignoring fans like this...I started screaming, and with a guttural "ARRRGGHHHHHH!!!" I seized a 10 pound tub of Mega Mass 4000 from a Weider booth, and hurled it at Dorian Yates, who by this time was a good 30 yards away. Well, brothers, the tub of MegaMass went sailing through the air, and, unexpectedly, found its target, landing right on Dorian's head! A crowd gathered round the unconscious Dorian, and as I made my way up, I got a look at him...and it wasn't Dorian Yates at all...I'd been mistaken, and knocked out an 18 year old kid! Someone pointed at me and yelled "There he is! He's the one that threw the tub at the poor lad!!". I turned and did what I do best- I fled the scene! As I shoved my way along the aisle, I joined up with Nobby and Marvin, who were aware of the pandemonium going on. A small crowd of security guards and a few police officers were heading our way, and we turned and charged, shoving folk aside and trampling others in our haste to get out of the building and escape!
As we headed down one of the aisles, lo and behold, not far ahead was DORIAN YATES himself. He was posing for pictures by his supplement booth with his wife, mother, and children. "Get out the FOOKIN WAY!!!" Nobby roared to them, but they were too caught up in the photography session to see us barreling towards them...and too late to react! Nobby came crashing into them, sending the entire Yates family flying aside or down to the floor! It ended up as a pile-on, with Dorian's mom on the bottom of the pile of humanity! As I walked over the bodies beneath me, I couldn't help but step right onto Mrs Yate's face, leaving a distinct treadmark on it with my steel-toe, heavy soled, SAS issue boots! I heard bones crunching from the people below...I think Dorian's mom's ribs got cracked!
Well, we made it over the human blockade and out the door, security and police not far behind! The three of us piled into the Rolls Royce, and roared out the parking lot, tires squealing. As Nobby floored it and we sped away, we roared with laughter!
But, in retrospect, I would like to openly apologize to Dorian Yates for injuries his family may have suffered.
A thousand pardons!
_________________
<<banned from SRF for rules violations. -SG>>
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